very good poem.

thank you!

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a cleaner love with a dirty feel.

great imagery!

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We're forced to bed, but we're free to dream. -Tragically Hip

i love the imagery, it´s beautifully cinematic (don´t really know if that´s an existing word), i love the cigarette referances.

i´m just not sure about the word emotion, although i see the reversal thing you did, emotion in darkness - darkness of emotion, and it´s good. That word is kind of too forward, too obvious or something, i think it weakens the poem.

i´m not sure, what do you think?

--
Who is the third who walks always beside you?
...who is that on the other side of you?

there are some great elements in this poem: "and she pulled up plumes of grey/and white" and "the flaring fingerprint writing red through the air and/she burns..." --> I really like these stanzas. They're the shortest ones too! I just find them more poignant than the rest. Leaves you thinking, and they are beautiful - whether read aloud, or in your head.

the first two stanzas seem melancholic. but once we hit the 3rd stanza, I believe the word "darkness" somehow shifts the tone. That word, in contrast to say grey, white, light, etc is a lot more harsh, and therefore the shift seems quite sudden and different. I'm not too sure if darkness is the right word to use here in this case. Also, I feel: "memories left over/right" can be pretty confusing. I sat for awhile after rereading the poem trying to figure out what you mean. The only clue I have is that it may pertain to the map mentioned in the next verse. I think this is something that needs to be cleared up.

"comes some offhand lyric," --> the word some ruins this a little. "some" in its context is quite conversational. The stanzas prior to this one do not hold the same conversational tone and so therefore the verse sounds quite strange. Makes me think that the subject may be thinking that. As if one has switched voices. If this is the case, again, make it clearer, if not...i'd suggest removing "some". The stanza as a whole is nice though

again, "darkness of emotion" is this intentional btw? In stanza 3, the line is similar: "emotion in darkness" If not, its awkward!!! ! I'm not a fan of repetition unless its OBVIOUS repetition with a purpose. :/

"only bright nicotine blaze can be seen" --> for some reason I want to add "a" before "bright" -_- It's just personal preference I guess. Since she's smoking, and presumably one cigarette I therefore think of the blaze being singular really so I guess that's what my reasoning for putting an 'a' in there.

Hai!! I think this is good. A decent length poem...since yours have been mostly short atm, so it's great to see one like this. As I said, there are definite areas that really work. I like this poem, obviously, since I am your number 1 fan. Well, not just that. There's reason I'm a fan. I love reading your stuff, and this particularly is great

I think this one is really good too. I disagree with ~sonneillon about the "a bright nicotine blaze". It's just the bright nicotine blaze, riminiscent of other more important fires. I picture your eyes watching the end of the cigarette in the dark, thinking about it's controlled yet sinister powers. I read it too intensely, perhaps, but adding "a" there seems unnecessary and a bit dulling.

I like "finding strength in repeating the sounds" in your first version better than "making the sounds" in your edit.

I don't like the repetition of "emotion"; it's too bland of a word for repetition. Once is okay, but twice and I think, "Well, what emotion?"

I like "lane markers on tar" in your original; the omission of "tar" removes a nice black gooey substance that helps the tone of your poem. You also lost "tar" / "stars" assonance there, unfortunately.

I like the "raised memories left over/ right", because I'm following your eye over the girl. You're looking at her hand, then at her finger tracing the map. It builds a solid, palpable image.

I love the whole stanza: "the heat of her cigarette, like desert wind..." Awesome.

"the flaring fingerprint writing red through the air" is one of the best lines in existence. Incredible.

Also, I would change "had slipped its words" to "has slipped its words".

In addition to the also, I would pull "only a bright nicotine blaze can be seen" out of the passive voice. It's a bit awkward to read as it is.

Damn, makes me want a cigarette.

so many good critiques! yay.

very good points, all of them. i shall forward your concerns to the board of directors, once they come back from summer recess.

--
a cleaner love with a dirty feel.

i agree with you wholeheartedly. unfortunately i am way too lazy to fix it at present.

--
a cleaner love with a dirty feel.